depression is eating into me. is it depression? i dont know. maybe it is just sadness, and a lot of disappointment. or maybe its just my selfish evil self that enjoys destryoinh itself and everything around it. i dont believe i am evil. i dont believe anyhting in me is evil. i believe i have given more than i could offer. crushed myself, my every feeling, my tears, my smiles, my every natural instinct to try and control myself. "me" ,"myself"...why is it not worth existing? if it isnt then it shouldnt. why should i have to mask it, control it? if i am not good enough for the world, why cant the world let it be so. why must i kill myself? i cry too much. i cry every day. i cry for reasons that are not reasons at all. or are they? arent they reason enough to me? is that not enough? why not? why cant these be enogh?

How much I miss you. 

Like the changing colours of the sky at dusk your memories create waves of emotions within, which I have no control on. I am distracted whenever I try to put my mind at work, or even concentrate on something that might be classified "leisure" and yet distracting myself from your memories at every action this body performs, irrespective of time, place and type, transports me to some moment we lived together. There is this action-memory link for some typical routine activities...a particular action will evoke reminiscing of the one same memory over and over again, every single time the action occurs. I plug in my laptop when it is out of charge and is blinking away threateningly and the moment the plug goes into the socket the memory returns of that extra pair of hands I borrowed for this sometimes when you were around, more so the thought of those little tiffs over whether the plug went into the socket before the wire plugged into the computer - I took the privilege of being angry with you over forgetting the sequence I preferred, it was leisurely to turn my face away from you when you were around every second of the day the clock counted. Today I wish I had spent those few minutes loving you, holding you near me to tell you I am never really angry with you, for you are simply the best. Oh! This heart aches for love, for even if only those fights and tussles were to return...but that which was "bad times" then is today too precious to have. 

No, you are not too far away...I have hopes of being with you soon. We have hopes of a lovely life together, we still are the privileged ones. An empty moment is still empty though. Memories extract melancholy breaking through the careful wraps. They take time and effort to heal, often long enough to collide with the next in line. Isn’t life too short for these nuisances? Isn’t hope just not enough to make up for lost time? The body refuses to stay on hold, melts away with the cycle of seasons, grows older without care – two springs passed now, the blossoming flowers fail to excite the second time only adding tiny insanities to the mind. Time is not infinite, every empty moment is possibility lost. A lost walk in the park, a lost summer lazing, a lost snow fight and then we have lost another chance to see the orchids grow in the shade of the tall trees...even the snow pays surprise visits, rubs it in, the time that has passed by. Hugging the computer to sleep is perhaps the only thing still off limits, but you live in the smart-phone too...it lies close to my pillow every night. The one thing countless is memories. There is a new one with every new escape I devise to cover up the emptiness. Also love, it is so tireless. And you, so full of life, so omnipresent, so wrapping me cosy in your smiles...relentlessly, all day long.